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Is there any such thing as having a tired soul? Not just that, but if there is, does anyone truly see mine? I am trying to decide which point in my life has been the hardest. Was it the point in my life where I was moved as a child to what most everyone would consider paradise? To me, Hawaii was not paradise. In fact, it was the time in my life where I learned what being on the receiving end of racism really meant. It was the first time in my life where I learned what it was like to be, as people like to call it "a minority". But I do have to say that being called a "White holly mother fucker that didn't belong here" didn't hurt near as bad as having to watch around every corner for the next group of assholes that wanted to give me a beat down, just because I was white. The sad part about the whole thing is, I was only 12. See, the way it would happen is, these people would first welcome you in as your best friend, and then as you turn your back, they would wisper things like "Fucking hollies.." One kid in particular I will name was Ehu. Mother fucker, I still have not forgotten you. Of course, from my parents' perspective, they were in paradise. No amount of coming home from school with black eyes daily, ever took off the rose colored glasses they had on. In fact, the only reason we left Maui at all was because my Grandpa ended up in the hospital dying of cancer. To this very day, my father still dreams of someday going back there. I on the other hand do not. Yeah of course it is a beautiful place, and I got to see things at the age of twelve that many people can only dream of seeing, but to me, physical beauty is only skin deep. I consider that time of my life a hard way to learn that life lesson. I did however learn a great many things that year though. I learned that a person's actions are far more important than anything they could ever say. I learned what racism was first hand. I learned that trust should be given based on actions and not just words. I also learned that no matter how much a person cries out in pain, the majority will never hear it, therefore they will not care. But I do at least try not to judge new people I meet on past experiences. Unfortunately, I faill at that quite alot. My dream is to one day meet someone that can look past those walls I put up, and see that 12 year old boy crying in the corner and dry his tears. That 12 year old boy has become a part of my soul. His heart hopes that one day someone will see it, care for it, not drop it, not speak of it behind his back. But most of all he wishes someone could forgive his heart for being so imperfect, battered and bruised. I know that through my life I have said things that have also hurt people. But, I am dreaming, wishing and hoping for the day that someone will see my heart, my soul, and my actions and still see me as beautiful. Before my soul grows cold, before my soul grows too tired to try again,I hope they will. So it comes down to this. Is she out there? Will she read this and understand me? Will she think me a horrible person because of the words I choose from a Webster's dictionary? Or, will she see me, and help dry my tears. Sadly, this which I have written of is but one moment in my life that makes me who I am. I do regret that it does not make me a simple man. Just as I have learned through the years to look into my own soul, I do also look into others. I do have to say though, that sometimes it is not an easy thing to do. Because even though in everyone's soul their is a beautiful person, everyone also has those walls of complexity that surround them that do not allow their inner child to smile.

Well, what to say. Is there earthshattering news? Probably not earthshattering to most people, if anyone reads my LJ at all. I am posting this a bit early but oh well. What am I posting you might ask? Well first thing is I do feel I want to wish Eryn (AKA Vamp Girl ) a Happy Birthday on August 9th. Over the past couple of days, things have been pretty cool. I have been spending a bit of time on Skype with some friends and did something I haven't been able to do in quite a long time. Thanks to all that have been in the Skype calls for making me smile and laugh a bit. Although, I do have to say, last night's Skype call I had a bit of trouble getting into. I think it had more to do with me being tired than anything else though. Not quite sure why, but I spent most of the Skype call trying to create an unattended Vista DVD. This morning however, I did get it done. OK weird but it just crossed my mind so I will say, Getter done. So, I done did. As for other things that have gone on with me, I guess the relevant people already know, and if they don't, perhaps they will ask. Yeah, I know, this entry wasn't my usual ranting and raving, but hey, it is how I feel at the moment. That is afterall, what all of my postings are about. They may not be who I am but only how I feel at the moment. To get to know me, you have to get to know me. I will probably never post who I am in a journal.

This is probably one of the hardest entries I have had to write. But, since I have had no one in my life that I can really talk about things with, I guess I will write them here unprotected. My heart feels a bit unprotected right now. I will try my best to explain. My ex-girlfriend, Debbie has come back into my life of sorts. This after a break up of around 7 months or so. I am of course happy about this in a way, but extremely sad in alot of ways. She has a 7 year old daughter, one of twins, that has a laundry list of health problems. There is nothing I want more than to see her well again. The problem starts with the only way that Debbie and I are able to communicate with one another. The only way is over email. She has expressed to me all the right things, that she needs me in her life, loves me, still wants to be with me etc. etc., but there is just nothing more that she is able to give right now. The odd thing is, I fully understand that, and the reasons why, but even with the reassurances she has given me, it still hurts like hell. To me there is just something about hearing the persons voice instead of Jaws speaking what they type. I am not sure if it has to do with being a recovering sightie or what, but if I had the choice of hearing a real persons voice over a computerized voice, I would choose the real voice. But again, the situation is much more complicated than I am able to explain fully. I just wished I had a heart that was able to be there for me when I am feeling down too. I am just not quite sure how to make the pain of us both holding out this long go away. We both express to each other how much we love one another, wish things were different, but still the pain remains. Why? Then there is her daughter. We would both do anything and everything possible to see her well again. It is a day, I do want and need to see happen, because we all have fought adversity so very hard. Yet the pain of loneliness remains. Yeah, I know I am a guy and should be big bad and tough, but any guy that only acts that way is just a scared little twerp, that feels the need to act big bad and tough to hide it. There are also those that give the I don't care attitude, but again they are the same, or they are just a heartless waste of time for any lady. I often wonder is there anyone out there that would care about my heart the way she has, but most that I have seen are either in a much more comfortable state of love, or too guarded to see a hurting heart. I do however, hope she can see where we are going with things in the future, because I am not exactly sure, because how my heart feels is up to her. How much longer does my heart have to wait in pain?

I have a couple of unrelated things to post about today. The first is, why do people always want to talk about problems in their love life to people who are single mostly not by choice? They are of course looking for that magic answer that will fix their love life. Surprise, there is no magic answer. There is however a question you must ask yourself. Are you happiest with or without them? Another question to ask yourself is, are you trying to change the person you are with to someone they don't want to be, or can't be? Is not the purpose of any relationship, be they friend or lover to accept someone for who they are, regardless of who you think they should be? Well there you go, I just saved you the $1000 it takes to go to a relationship and marriage counsellor. You're welcome. But personally, you should just save yourself the trouble next time and go out with me instead. Anyway, in other news... A new podcast was released on my website today. The address to download it is: http://tinyurl.com/rd7can You will have to forgive the fact that I sound like I stutter in the podcast. I don't stutter, it was that I was totally unprepared to do a podcast that day. Also, don't forget there are also other podcasts you haven't listened to. Go to http://www.blindcrawler.com/podcast.html to listen to those too. Okay, thanks for reading my commercial, now I am going to bed. Good night to all.

OK, I haven't posted to this thing for various reasons, and simply because I had nothing to say. Over this last week or two though what I have to say is: ouch! ug! argh! blah and of course bleh! There have been times when I, to put it mildly, have felt like smashed dog shit. I am sure we all know what that feels like. You know, it's kind of squishy between the toes, but we really don't want it there? Other times I have felt ok, so I have posted an entry or two to my followers on Twitter, so they can think, "Damn the bastard hasn't died yet?" The other thought I have is about massage therapy. I have known a few blind people that were massage therapists, and have heard of many more. But, the question is, why the hell can't you find one when you need one? So I guess I will put out the call like this. Ouch? Hello, a little therapy needed here? Anyway, I hope no one was offended by this post. If you were, then read it again and get really pissed off. Maybe then I will introduce you to Bob and Glen, and you can meet two people that care even less that you get pissed off at stupid shit. Oh and before I forget. My Twitter user name is blindcrawler and you can add it if you want. That is of course unless you are trying to sell me car insurance, because I don't need to buy car insurance anymore.

On this night of May
I sit and think no more of hate and distrust
For gossip enters the doors of distrust
I have been given this heart of loneliness for quite some time
But still I smile because mother earth
Still gives me the room to breathe
I am not given in to the misgivings of people
For I am content in what I build in myself
I do not need approval from others
For my friends do not lie
They do not ask others for approval of my opinion
They do not brag of the quality of their own friends over mine

Yet we are the life we choose
If we choose to distrust
Others will distrust thee
If we choose to brag
Other's lives will always seem bigger to thee
But for me?
I am content this night of May
For the drake has flown away
The ground has been scorched
But I always know mother earth
Will bring another day
Will the dragon come to fight tomorrow?
I do not wonder
For tonight it has gone away
I now take my sleep
And smile for tomorrow's day.

I had an interesting discussion/talk of music history/argument/concensus with a friend of mine. I believe the debate mainly centered on does metal have the same meaning in society that it had during the proto-metal and 80's non-Mtv metal days. Although my views are not always agreed with, I do still believe that one must know where metal came from and the social changes it brought about. There are a huge number of people that only know the heavy metal of the 80's as the Mtv clad glamour show that it became and not what it stood for socialy. Like the 50's, 60's and some 70's music rock and proto-metal stood for a rebellion for social change. This also re-emerged in early 80's heavy metal. The problem is, as songs and bands age, their popularity spreads from generation to generation and there is this misconception that much of the early 80's metal was commercial music. But like anything everything has to eventually popularize and commercialize in order to spread to the masses. There in lies the debate. My belief is that the commercialization of metal has become blurred. It is most evident in the bands that feel they have to sound like Pantera to be considered listenable by many. I call them "cookie monster bands". And to me, much like many believe of the late 80's metal sounds too much like everyone else. Does that really say anything at all about the individuality that they supposedly sing about? Or does it say, they need to sound like the other guy just because its cool? For this reason, another band that sounds like the other one does not impress me. It does not change my mind about the world around me. It does however sadden me to see so many people fooled by commercialized society. Although it can be debated that much of the metal out there these days still will never be heard on the commercial radio, can you honestly say to yourself that another band that sounds like Pantera is doing it for the reason of truth and individual thought? Or, are they doing it to only gain acceptance among the masses that don't know the history of metal. Also, do these bands of today even know the history themselves. Much of the metal I hear these days is about hopelessness, despair, and agressive anger. It is no longer about striving for perfection through individualism. Now of course there were those that did take the message that metal conveyed a bit too far in the 80's, and Ozzy Osbourne's song "I Don't Know" does talk of this fanaticism that did exist. However I don't feel that the metal of today has the same reason for existance and the same drive to affect change that it once had. I believe that in a vailed way it too is much like the late 80's glamour metal bands on Mtv that were only trying to sound like the other guy. But that of course is just my individual opinion, and we all know how majority rule is always right. Right?

Not much happened on the homefront for Easter. I thought we might go to my aunt's for Easter, but ended up not going. I do of course thank nightdrake for passing me a message back and forth from time to time.

Women can be so damn silly sometimes. I especially love the very quick and fumbling responses I sometimes get from them when they are up to something they would really rather hide away in their closet. Sometimes it sounds a bit like a xylophone listening to them trying to put all the skeletons back in their closet. The funniest thing though is, when they leave one of the bones out, and you catch them with a bit of a, "Oh is this yours?" Women are very simple to figure out really. There are only a few types of women in the world. One type is guided by every emotion that humans have. Those types are usually labeled as the drama queens. The second is the lady playa. They tend to think they have every man fooled into believing that they are the only one. The third is the one who really has no clue about how the world works, but she would like to think she does. The fourth is the woman that has so many skeletons in her closet, that when she comes across a smart man, she plays him off and moves right on to the next one that will believe her "I am innocent" bullshit. Then there are the women that believe that all men want is sex. These are the worst and the silliest women yet. These are the women that eventually give in to lesbian or same sex BDSM. Because they believe that men only want sex, they find themselves drawn to same sex relationships. They usually adopt the attitude that all men are trash, or they can never be faithful to any one person. But I am willing to bet they passed over a good man or two, simply because they couldn't stay faithful to anyone or themselves. Then there are those "Barbie Doll" women. Yeah, you know the type. The ones that not much of them isn't plastic. But if anyone ever noticed about Barbie Dolls one thing, I would hope that they found out very early in life that their head is rubbery and hollow. See, this is the thing with me. I am 37 years old now. I am also not the typical "Yo motherfucka" gangsta idiot either. Nor am I the typical stoner burnout, that his brain never left highschool. I am an intellegent guy, and that I am afraid gets me nowhere with women most times because I am pretty wise to the stupid games women like to play. What I am in search of is someone reall, and truthful. I also don't want someone who has to start her own graveyard in order to bury the skeletons she has. It would be nice to meet a woman that knows a man not by "Oh, he wants sex", but one that has enough of a brain to learn where their man's heart is. I don't want a dominant partner. I don't want a submissive partner. But, I do hope to find an equal partner. Oh and before I go, let us not forget about those fairy tale women. You know the type. These are the ones that dream of the huge, "Shower me with flowers", want the big wedding type. Beware, these are the women that when you marry them, they end up fat and pregnant, sitting on the couch watching Oprah all day. I do hope this entry has been eye opening and informative to some of those men out there that are having a hard time figuring out where their woman is coming from. Women are not all that confusing, because they are creatures of habbit too.

Well since it has been a few days, I should post here. Things have been pretty cool lately. Quite a few talks have been had with someone, nightdrake in particular. I don't know for sure but I believe I have been keeping her up late when she should really be getting sleep. None the less the talks have been fun. As far as the podcasts, or internet radio shows for those who don't know what that is; I have just posted the fifth eppisode in my Quick Tips series. If you are wondering why you don't see them posted on the podcast page on Blind Crawler. It is because you must subscribe to the podcast feed for which there is a link on that particular page. Okay, and there is that word "subscribe". In most cases to most people subscribe means that it must cost money. But in the case of a podcast, subscribe mearly means you put the address in a podcatcher so that they download to your computer when they are released to the public. A podcatcher is a program that you install for the sole purpose of downloading podcasts that interest you. I personally use one called Juice, but there are many others out there that may work better for you. A short little search on Google for "download a podcatcher" will probably help you find one that suits you. Also for the sake of not making you run all over the net to find the shows here is the link to the Blind Crawler podcast feed.
http://feeds2.feedburner.com/BlindcrawlerPodcasts
Just add that address to whatever podcast downloading software you find and enjoy. One more thing...
I have also created a username on Twitter, if you want to add me to that you are also more than welcome. My name on there is blindcrawler.

Living in a world of hate,
Loving in a lie,
Makes me wanna walk away from you,
And I don't know why.
If you'd look close enough,
You would see it in my eyes,
I gave you all my love,
But we were loving in a lie.
We were loving in a lie,
We were loving in a lie.
Maybe it's what you said to me,
Then you broke my heart,
Put me on a wing to be free,
Crawling back to start,
Lonely regret won't you set me free,
I can see it in your eyes,
This sharp pain won't let me bleed,
You were loving in a lie.
Loving in a lie,
You were loving in a lie.
I can't leave,
No, I can't go,
And I can't turn my life around,
You took your love away from me,
Left me lying on the ground,
If you look close enough,
You could see it in my eyes,
I gave you all my love,
But you were loving in a lie,
Loving in a lie,
You were loving in a lie.

I don't feel the sun's coming out today,
It's stayin' in,
It's gonna find another way,
As I sit here in this misery,
I don't think I'll ever know Lord,
See the sun from here,
No, as I fade away,
They'll all look at me and say,
And they'll say,
Hey look at him,
I'll never live that way,
And that's ok,
They're just afraid to change.
And when you feel like life ain't worth livin',
You got to stand up,
And take a look around you,
And you look up way to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
Keep on dreamin' boy,
Because when you stop dreamin' boy,
It's time to die, high.
And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
Some ways will work,
And other ways will play,
But I know we can't all stay here forever, hurt,
So I wanna write my words on a face of today.
And then I'll paint it.
And oh, as I fade away,
They'll all look at me and say,
They'll say,
Hey look at him,
And where he is these days,
Life is hard,
You have to change.
When life is hard, you have to change.

In search of change for my one
I walk apon a crowded express lane
A lady stands at the front of the line
And she must have all that she can see
She blames others for her not counting to ten
So much that she recounts them again
The items she has are all the same
If only she could remember their name
And I stand patiently looking for change for my one
The lady behind her stands there
Looking at her tabloid with a mindless stare
Worried more about what Dick and the Jane did last week
Rather than what her children must eat
I stand and wait for change for my one
Another lady and I know not why
Has many items but can't decide
Should she choose the expensive one,
The strong one,
The big one,
The cheap one,
The blue one,
The pink one,
And still I stand waiting for change for my one
So stands the lady in front of me,
She stands so angry that she just can't see
I back away,
And in the distance I can see an open lane,
It is so far I can't see the lady's face
But I will walk toward her in the hope
She'll notice my pace
She'll check me out
She'll smile like the sun
And give me the needed change for my one

*Technically* Yesterday was kind of a laid back kind of day for me. The night before a friend of mine had passed along a few recordings of a guy that sounds to me, strikingly similar to Bob Dylan. It also made me think of my 20 year run of playing the guitar. There are parts of my 20 year run that I miss and parts that I don't. One thing that anyone that I ever played in a band with could never really figure out is why I never made a big deal about the crowds that seem to swarm to a band. Well the thing is, I never started playing the guitar with the intent of 'being in search of fame and fortune'. Playing and creating music was always, and still is more than that to me. I always looked at playing the guitar as, I was opening a window into my soul. I was never a singer, never all that great at writing lyrics. The guitar on the other hand, was a way that I could say exactly what I needed to say to people without ever saying a word. An example of this was at practice one night when some guy in a cowboy hat comes to our practice room. Fair enough he wanted us to play a country song. There were first, two problems with that though. One we were practicing for a show that we had to do in a week, and two we were a rock band. Well, this guy decided that he would act quite put off by the fact that we did not play country. He mouthed off to us a bit but not for very long. The band and I had a way of signaling each other for certain songs. For instance they could tell by the look in my eye what song I was about to start playing. That happened to be one of those nights, because for some reason I felt quite offended by that guy. I gave the look to the band, and leaned over to turn up my amplifier. What followed was a 25 minute rendition of Jimi Hendrix, Voodoo Child (Slight Return). Once I started playing it I made sure that when I started I was looking directly at the guy. I then disappeared into my own world and my own thoughts and feelings. When I came back to reality 25 minutes later, the guy in the cowboy hat was nowhere to be found. Mission accomplished and no one even had to break his teeth. That was always the power of music to me. You could either draw people to you or make people go away that you didn't like. You could cuss someone off and never say their name. You could express the deepest hurtful feelings you have and people would flock to you because of it. Then you could play a completely goofy song afterwards and they would laugh right along with you. By the way, after the Jimi Hendrix song we did play a sudo country song. lol, He left too soon, we were getting to his request. It was a heavy metal, country jam but, fun and funny none the less. Maybe that is what made me like that Crash Test Dummies song, "Sittin' on a tree stump", I don't know.

Hello I am a blind Windows user. I have been sitting here over the past few days contemplating on whether to take the plunge and get myself a Mac Mini. There have been a number of Mac users both blind and sighted that have tried to talk me into getting one. The problem is, other than a curiosity about them, I have not found a compeling reason to spend that kind of money on a Mac. I have tried tirelessly to get at least one of the people to show me what the Mac can do that Windows can't. One will say, "You can also run Windows on a Mac". Well yes you can, but you can also run Windows on a Windows computer too. I can also run Linux, Unix, BSD, and also Mac OS 10 using my PC as a Hackintosh. They also say I can run Windows and Mac OS at the same time. I say, I can too. The program is called VM Ware. The Mac users have also told me that the Mac OS comes with its own screen reader and it puts Narrator to shame. They say it also comes with a full screen magnifier. My my how the Windows world has changed in the last two years. Well it just so happens that reason for buying a Mac is no longer an issue for us blind users. On the Windows side there are a couple of choices. One is called NVDA which is an open source, free screen reader and another is called System Access To Go that is also free. System Access also has the added benefit of having a free full screen magnifier. On the Linux and Unix side of things there are also several choices. First there is Orca for the Gnome desktop environment and two or three others for the command line part of Linux. I will give Apple one plus. On the Mac you don't have to worry about viruses. But that is only because Apple doesn't have the enterprise market share that Windows has. As Apple starts to gain more and more market share, Apple too will become the target of hackers. The Hackintosh is only the beginning of how cunning hackers can be. Eventually Mac users will have to deal with the same things that Windows users have to. The Mac users will also tell you how terrible Vista is. But what they don't tell you is that was over two years ago. Microsoft has since fixed nearly all of the compatibility and driver issues that Vista had. What they also don't tell you is how painful it was for them to get their new copy of Leopard when it first came out and discovered that many of their older apps and hardware also did not work with Leopard. Now, I will say that the Mac does come bundled with quite alot of software. Nearly everything that you may need. But I often do wonder why when Microsoft tries to bundle their operating system with everything, they get sued for being a monopoly? Doesn't it also make Apple a monopoly when Apple becomes the only company that can create a screen reader for their operating system? One question that I have never thought to ask the Apple community though is whether or not they also offer free OCR software. There are a few free choices on Windows but they are not yet all that great. Now I will say that the Mac Mini is cute, but so is my 9 inch Acer A101 with a dual core 1.6 ghz processor, 120 GB harddrive, 1 gig of memory with Windows XP Home. It was only $399 on New Egg and weighs only 2 and a half pounds. I believe that is about the same weight as a Mac Mini if I am not mistaken. It also comes in an array of colors like red, blue, green, black, and I have the white one. I think for most people, it simply comes down to what operating system you want to run and if it does what you need it to do. For me, my custom built Windows PC with an Intel Wolfdale 3 ghz dual core, 4 gigs of memory and 10,000 rpm Western Digital Velociraptor in an alien themed case does just fine for $800. I guess I will just have to let the two blue neon alien eyes that glow on the front of it glare at me just a bit longer before I can really make the decision on whether or not to get a Apple computer. Right now though I guess I will watch Leo Laporte open his new Mac Pro that he spent $5600 on to make it a streaming video server, and try to figure out how I can do it for free using Linux. Oh, one more thing. Apple users do have the advantage of being able to install Mac OS using a screen reader like Linux users do, but I wonder if there is a way to make Mac OS install unattended like Windows does. I see I will have to research things further so bye for now.

So I was bored and listening to Leo LaPorte's podcasts today and...Well? Is it just me or does he not remember how to fix a damn thing? The boy just tells all of these people of all of this shit they need to buy for their computers or some new phone or camera they need in order to fit in with the so called "look at me" crowd. Hey Leo, quit trying to push the Xbox 360 on people if you know that it is a piece of shit that even for you has broken twice. Hey Leo, if you can't use the keyboard thing on the iPhone doesn't that mean that half of the shit on the iPhone is totally useless? Hey Leo, if most of the programs I use such as Adobe Audition is on Windows, wouldn't it make more sense to by a Windows computer instead of a Mac and then have to buy Windows so I can run it on the Mac? Now fair game to him, he is an entertaining guy to listen to, but he don't know shit about shit. But hey, that's just my opinion, and who gives a shit about mine huh?

As christmas approaches, I can't help but sit and wonder why God is allowing so much pain and suffering. It is only days until Christmas and my girlfriend is having to endure medical crisis after medical crisis with both herself and her 7 year old daughters. She has already had to endure so much so why does God allow yet again another medical crisis to happen with one of her children today. So I guess I am writing this to God. Please God, please allow them to have a day without suffering and without pain so they can smile for Christmas. There are many that believe that God controls everything on this Earth including disease, what we do, and what happens to us. So again I say, Please God, please stop causing my girlfriend and her two daughters so much pain this close to the date of the birth of your son. Also please God, please stop people from thinking that they have to literally kill one another at a Wal-Mart store because they heard on a commercial that if they don't hurry and buy something fast they won't get anything at all. Please God, please stop the hopelessness that other children around the world feel as war rages literally in their front yard so they can believe in you again. Please God, please show families the true meaning of Christmas so they won't refuse to participate in the family celebrations simply because the gifts that are given are not good enough for them. Please God, you most of all should know that their is a better way of teaching your children rather than punishment by pain, suffering and ridicule. Maybe it is the case that God isn't there at all then, maybe he is on a coffee break with the doctors that are supposed to cure all of this pain and suffering. Maybe he too, takes his two week vacation to take himself away from the stress of his job and school for a while thus allowing his children to live on their own luck. If this is the case though, then why has it continued throughout the entire year. People often say that life is God's greatest mirical. But I often wonder which life God favors more as a parent, the life of humanity or the diseases that strip their humanity away. My guess is, that even God underestimated humanity and its will of free thought. After time humanity has grown tired of no matter how good they do in their life God still causes them sufferage and pain to teach them a lesson. Because of this I guess that humanity has begun to rebel against their parent and not listen to him anymore. My hope is that God does see this and again starts to do the right thing instead of what he thinks would be best. God, please start helping the children. God please start taking their pain away instead of only causing it. God, please stop causing our children to have disease just so that the parents can learn what to do. According to every belief, God has the power to take disease away, so if he is a forgiving and compassionate God, then why doesn't he?

Sometimes when you look back, the older you get, you wonder, where did I go wrong? Why is everything I try to do such a struggle. There was a time in my life when I felt I had it all together, had it all figured out. That time in my life I felt I actually did, and I still feel that way about those days. In those days I was given a little room to smile, room to laugh, and did not feel so pressured to do for others. I was lucky enough in my life to have experienced being in what people might call an almost famous band. It was quite a wonderful feeling watching an entire town of people in support of a local rock band like ours. Even to this very day, if you search around a little, you may come across an old "The 11 Mile Band" page on the web. The blind community however is a far different beast. Now I know I may piss a few people off with what I am about to say but... the blind community has no real sense of what the word community means. The reason behind most of it is because there have been generations of blind people that have had things handed to them instead of learning how to earn what you get in life. It is hard to believe the number of blind people that sit around and wait for their blind services to file for things like college grants instead of looking into filing them themselves. It is hard to believe that many blind people will sit and blame blind services for not showing them how to use a simple program such as a screen reader instead of taking the time to learn it themselves. It is hard to believe that even when several free screen readers are put in front of them, they still can find a reason to bitch that it just isn't good enough. Like I said the blind have no real sense of community. I often wonder how many blind people out there sit and wait for someone to take them Christmas shopping before it crosses their mind that the real point to Christmas is to give not just receive. See that is how a real community is built is that all people involved have to give as well as receive. But there are alot of blind people that mostly sit around with the Nirvana "Teen Spirit" attitude. There is a line in that song that says, "Here we are now, entertain us", that does ring quite true in the blind community time and time again. Many in the blind community fail to see that in order to build a community, it does require work, and to many in the blind community, work is a four letter word. I do have much more to say about all of this but I am going to stop here for now, but, it does make you think. How can the blind community get upset about a movie like "Blindness", when it is their fault that the sighted world views them that way to begin with?

I have recently made a new page on Blindcrawler.com that should make it easier for people to download episodes of the podcasts. That way people who are unfamiliar with how to access RSS feed pages can hopefully find their way to download them. The link to the page is: http://www.blindcrawler.com/podcast.html